Snape's Love Potion
by Duff Moose
Summary: Bartemius Crouch is your average Ministry of Magic employee: overworked, under appreciated, and thoroughly unfulfilled. It is only after a fateful encounter with Severus Snape that he will once again know the true meaning of passion and excitement.


Rufus Scrimgeor was pacing back and forth in his stuffy little office at the Ministry of Magic. His desk occupied the greatest amount of available space, and this meant that he was able to take two small steps in either direction before turning around. Why he insisted on engaging in this absurd activity was beyond me. But he was the Director of Wizarding Intelligence at the Ministry, and he had presumably summoned me to that awful little place with the intent of giving me an assignment. I watched, and waited.

"This is a very delicate situation." he began, after what had seemed like hours, "And I need to be certain that you can handle it. What I need of you, Mr. Crouch, is to infiltrate Hogwarts as one of its students. Dumbledore will know of your identity, but otherwise this is to be a complete secret. You will go under the name Benjamin Socrates, a transfer sixth year student whose parents had opted to home school until their untimely demise due to the tragedy of political violence at the hands of separatist Goblins. Your birth date is the first of January, 1985, and you grew up in a little known town of Devonshire. You don't have a pet because you are still mourning the loss of your parents. "

I took my first opportunity to interject: "Sir, aside from the fact that my own son is too old to make a convincing Hogwarts student, why is my profile so atypical? If people think my parents are the victims of political violence then I'm going to get all sorts of uncomfortable questions.

A look of excitement came over the man's face. "My good friend, the devil is in the details! How else are we to justify your blood purity extremism if we didn't first give you a tragic back-story?"

"I am a blood purity extremist… Hogwarts student?"

"Yes, and it is a group of blood purity extremists that you are infiltrating. Children have gone missing throughout the school, and we think this group may be responsible, especially since they are known to recruit from within the school itself. At no point do I want you to arrest any of these individuals, or to engage them in any official capacity. You are only to infiltrate, observe, and report directly back to me. You are to leave immediately. Your Biology class starts in fifteen minutes."

Without another word, Scrimgeor handed me floo powder and pointed towards his fireplace. Immediately I used it and appeared in the fireplace of the Slytherin common room. It was abandoned, as the students were no doubt already on their twenty-five minute trek through the perilous, labyrinthine corridors of Hogwarts that led to each and every classroom. Having celebrated my sixtieth birthday just a few short years ago, I knew this was going to be a particularly exhausting endeavor for me. I could only hope that I was not late for Professor Snape's class. Before leaving I took one brief moment to look at the common room. It was much as I had remembered it, though I did not recognize the goblet that sat on a shelf beside several other antique items.

"Ah yes, this is our new student, Mr. Benjamin Socrates. You are three and a half minutes late." That was Professor Snape. As it turned out, I was indeed late for his class. Fortunately, Dumbledore had followed me into the room.

"Sorry Severus, but Ben and I were forced to escort Harry Potter to the infirmary. He had apparently fallen down several flights of stairs that resulted in multiple fractures and a black eye, but I am happy to announce that he is expected to recover fully." This was no fabrication. I had only just met Dumbledore in the hallway when he and I witnessed Harry tumbling down one flight of stairs after the next. The staircases seemed to be rearranging themselves so as to give him more room to fall.

"How unfortunate! One would almost think that he'd throw himself down the stairs, if it meant missing yet another Biology lecture. But very well, sit down Mr. Socrates. We were just about to cover the differences between prokaryotes and eukaryotes. We have no time to lose"

"So, what are prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells, and how do they differ from one another?" he began, "The easiest way to put it is that eukaryotes are far more complex than the prokaryotic cells they evolved from. Prokaryotic cells are single celled organisms, such as bacteria, whereas eukaryotic cells are often the building blocks of multi-cellular organisms. This includes multiple chromosomes, reproduction through mitosis, and, for those who remembered this term from last week's lecture, a Golgi apparatus."

"Sorry professor" Patricia Patil said as she raised her hand, "But do Prokaryotic cells have stuff like DNA and chromosomes?"

"Yes, Ms. Patil, they do after a fashion, though it's not quite the same. They have only one chromosome, and they are composed of a single DNA sequence in a closed loop. In contrast, DNA is wrapped around many molecules of proteins in a eukaryotic chromosome."

"One more question, sir." This one was from Vincent Crabbe, "This gave me some trouble on yesterday's homework: Do prokaryotic cells have a cell wall or not?"

Snape answered, "I must again use the phrase "after a fashion". They do, though it is a different structure from what we see in plant cells, which are, of course, eukaryotic."

"Moving on," Snape continued, "i believe it is alwaYs impOrtant to demonstrate my lessons with a visUal Aid of some vaRiEty. take, for iNstance, this glass Of Water. in wHat waY is this is the Physicality of this object more or less Nuanced tO The left trIgger lamp post Zany warblEr lorD."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I began noticing randomly capitalized letters in Snape's speech. By the time I realized the absurdity of that notion, and what those letters spelled, I and presumably the whole class were already under his spell. As he stopped speaking, I realized that I had no control over my body.

He remained silent for a moment, and then began: "Biology! For years have I taught Biology, when they know that my true love is with Potions and Chemistry! And who do they have teaching it instead? Gilderoy Lockhart? That old fool Slughorn? Everyone knows that I am the most qualified to teach that subject, and yet I have consistently been denied the opportunity. "

"So what if I deliberately do a mediocre job as Biology professor? Does that justify the Ministry's feeble attempt to keep tabs on me? I mean, Benjamin Socrates? Did they think Inspector Gadget was a little too on the damn nose!" The man was screeching at this point, and he nearly looked insane. I spent this time attempting to mentally dismantle the curse set upon me. This spell was far too powerful for any of the students to overcome, but I had gone through a training course designed specifically with immobilization spells in mind. The question wasn't whether or not I would break free, but if I would do so before Professor Snape did something particularly rash.

As he continued his rant on the injustices of teaching Biology I had managed to conquer most of the enchantment, and within moments I would have control of my body and thus a means to arresting Professor Snape. Before I could finish the counterspell, however, the doors to the classroom were thrown open and several Aurors poured in.

"Give it up, Severus!" Moody shouted as he aimed his wand at the Professor "We know what you've been up to, and we have enough evidence to land you in Azkaban for a very long time. Come quietly, and the courts may yet show you mercy!"

"Never! Disintegrate!" Snape yelled in response as he cast a spell on himself. For a brief moment he glowed, and then was vaporized. Why he saw the need to do this, or in fact any of the things he did in the last few moments of his life, I would never know.

Alabaster approached me. "Thanks for the help, Barty. We've been building the case against Snape for a very long time. You'd not think a simple teacher would be so crafty with his tax evasion. He actually had the audacity to claim he was wheel chair bound on his form last year, and that was after he came in third during the annual Wizard Marathon!"

"Yes, of course." I said, thoroughly confused at the situation I found myself in. "So I guess that means I completed my mission?"

"Sure, why not?." he replied. "Honestly I think Rufus debriefed you on the wrong mission. I'm pretty sure Ludo Bagman broke the case of the missing students last week."

We talked for a few more minutes as another Auror swept up the ashes of the former professor, and the children were directed back to their dormitories. Shortly after we parted ways and I made my way back to the Slytherin common room to pack up my things before heading home. Just as I had managed to close my suitcase Percy Weasley approached me.

"Hey Ben, I know you're new around here, so I thought I'd let you know about the party we're holding at the Room of Requirement tonight. This kid named Colin Creevy just broke a few protective enchantments set by the staff, and now we can get beer. Wanna join us?"

I thought briefly of my wife, who was waiting for me back at home. We were supposed to watch our grandson for the weekend.

"Sounds like fun!" I replied, "What do you say we go down there now and get a head start on everyone else? I bet with a few tweaks I can get this thing to give us malt liquors."


End file.
